The big news out of Washington this week is that the government has not only been listening into our phone calls, but also monitoring our e-mail accounts. I guess I read too many conspiracy novels because I pretty much already had a hunch that this kind of things was occurring. I thought it was more of a “keyword” thing though. I supposed that if someone said “bomb” or “murder politician” too many times, the government had an alert that would begin monitoring calls. I consider myself very liberal, but I just can’t seem to talk myself into caring about it. I love Bernie Sanders and I’m usually on the same page with him about civil liberties, but not this time. I just don’t care. Not in the least. I’m not going to modify the internet sites that I visit – even the unseemly ones, nor will I edit my phone conversations. I have mixed feelings about the popular saying “He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing”. I don’t agree. I am an open book for the most part, but do I want everyone in the world to know my personal preferences and thoughts? Hmmm . . . not really. Yet, as I sit and think about it, it is the reason that I don’t want everyone to know my innermost thoughts that is troublesome to me. It’s not that I’m ashamed of my thoughts. Even my inappropriate thoughts are pretty justifiable in my opinion and my crazy thoughts, which I do have from time to time, are acceptable because I know they are crazy thoughts. (I think the problem arises when a person has crazy thoughts, but doesn’t have the self introspection to recognize them as such, but that’s another blog post).
Anyway, the reason that I am hesitant about sharing my innermost personal thoughts is fear of judgment. It took me a while to realize it, but now that I have, I have to take action. My new year’s resolution for 2013 was to start a blog. It’s June and I haven’t done a single post. At first, I rationalized that it was because I was too busy. I’m a single mom with two jobs and I’m working on my MBA. I don’t really have time to sit and write a blog, do I? But, I find time to watch my favorite shows every week and I found time to reply to long drawn out e-mails with long drawn out e-mails to a “certain someone” who was getting on my nerves and I find time to go on Facebook to comment on posts that interest me. I’ve also found time to go on dates with men (Lawdy lawd!!! That is another blog post or 10 or 20) and I’ve found time to have blog battle extravaganzas on Youtube, WordPress and other sites. I would intend to write one sentence and the next thing you know, I had a novel written. So, since my motto for 2013 is to “Live in Truth”, I had to face the truth. It wasn’t the time factor that was stopping me from starting my blog. When the “big brother” news came out of Washington and I noticed my complete apathy about the whole thing, I realized it was the “fear factor”! Fear of judgment from other people.
This isn’t where the fear started, but this situation definitely confirmed it for me. One of the first times that I got emotional and went on a Facebook rant, I posted that my child’s father was in arrears in his child support payments. (Note: Currently, he has been good about paying his court-ordered amount and is diligently chipping away at the arrears. I write that because he told me that if I wrote anything about him, he would sue me for libel. Poor thing isn’t aware that truth is an affirmative defense to libel, but that’s another blog post.) During that rant, I put the actual amount that he owed me at that time on-line. Posting that really did make me feel good. Not for long though. Although, I thought the tone was light, I guess the subject matter was too heavy. I got about a dozen e-mails and some phone calls and texts telling me that I should not post my personal business on a public forum. Some of the messages were from people who I could give two cow poops about, but others were from people that I loved and highly respected. I told people that I didn’t care about what people knew about my personal life because someone knowing information about me wasn’t going to change the information, but it could help the situation or help someone else going through the same thing to know they weren’t alone. That’s what I told myself too, but I still didn’t start writing my blog. I didn’t start it because in the back of my mind, I thought “Are they right?” “Should I just keep my personal life to myself?” Well, after careful consideration, I think they were 50% correct. I am going to keep my personal life to myself . . . but, I’m going to keep it to myself on my own little blog . . . introducing . . . “Chrissy’s Pennies”! So, if my personal life offends someone, they are welcomed to not read about it, they are equally welcomed to read and tell me how offensive my personal opinions and thoughts are to them and EVEN MORE welcome to post “Right on! Soul Sistah!” if they agree or if they have been catapulted from the 1970s to 2013 and still say “Soul Sistah”. Here is what I won’t do anymore: I won’t be afraid to post my personal thoughts and feelings in long form on the internet for all to see because I’m afraid that someone, no matter how good intentioned he or she may be, will judge me or feel sorry for me. I may decide not to write for other reasons, but never again because I’m afraid of judgment. Life is too short and judgment is too vast.
The most intriguing thing about judgment in my personal experience is that it usually, not always, but usually comes from people who do absolutely nothing for me financially and provide no added positive value to my life. I am sure that there are people who truly love me that do judge me, but they at least have the forethought to keep it to themselves and for that I’m thankful. Another thing that I notice is that it usually comes during a moment of weakness. It seems like those are the times when people come out of the woodwork to jump on the hypocrisy tree. There is such a fine line between living in reality and being a negative Nancy that I think it’s difficult for people to recognize the difference between the two outlooks. I am not a negative Nancy, I am a genuinely happy person that has lived through very tumultuous experiences, some joyous, some sad, some exhilarating and some depressing. I shouldn’t have to limit myself to only sharing the joyous and exhilarating experiences for fear that someone will call me “angry” or “bitter”. Personally, I believe that God orchestrates all of my experiences, the good and the bad ones, the ones that cause me to smile and the one that cause me to rant, so I will use my blog to smile and rant as I see fit. I have been called “self-focused” by a particularly unenlightened woman. I was offended at first, but then I realized that I am a tad self-focused and I’m okay with that.
These are the thoughts that flooded to my mind as my television screen was flooded with images of the “whistle blower” who claims to have evidence that “Big Brother” is listening in on us. I don’t care if “Big Brother” is listening in on my phone calls or searching through my internet pages. If James Comey wants to know my thoughts, all his has to do is read this blog or he could just follow me on twitter because my twitter is connect to my Facebook. I apologize to Martin Bashir and Bernie Sanders and my other liberal comrades who are outraged by this new information, but I’m ready to do more sharing, not less.
Here’s the deal: I’m not infallible. I don’t really take myself that seriously and my opinions may change, but I’m going to allow myself to have them and share them. I don’t want to force them upon anyone else, but I will share them honestly and truthfully the way I feel and I’ll do it for me – not anyone else.
I am a writer, so I shall write . . . and I hope you read . . . and comment. 🙂
Chrissy's Pennies 