Men love crazy women. They just do. I don’t want to be single forever, so I’m trying to contemplate whether I should transform myself into a lunatic in order to snag a good man, or if I should remain patient and hope that I am able to attract the one man in a million, who doesn’t want me to be an insane in order to foster a relationship.
CASE STUDY: Joe was pretty much everything I’ve wanted in a man. He was smart, attractive, successfully working toward his goals, in shape and his freaking smile was amazeballs. He always smelled so good and I’m not even going to go into writing about his smooth, brown skin. Sometimes while he talked, I would fantasize about licking him and tasting chocolate. I know that’s weird, but I’m trying to do a whole honesty thing in 2016, so I’m just being truthful! The man looked delicious! He had an MBA from a really good school and we talked about finance and macroeconomics, BUT (and this is what sold me on him) he didn’t talk down to me like my tiny woman brain wouldn’t be able to understand the complexity of numbers and advanced financial concepts. In my experience, men have a tendency to “teach” when they have conversations, not Joe. We had actual back and forth conversations where we talked to each other. He didn’t try to “teach” me or improve me . . . and he actually wanted to know who I was as a person.
In three months, we only went out about 4 times, but we always had fun and lots of laughs. We didn’t get to know each other extremely well because all of a sudden Joe stopped returning my calls. Well, my two calls. I called him once, he texted back that he would call me later that week. He never did. Then, I called again later that week, left a message and he never responded. The story should end here, but it doesn’t because it’s a case study.
About 7ish months later, I was doing some soul searching, so I decided to text Joe and find out why he stopped contacting me. His initial response was, “Do you really want to know?” Of course, I did. After I replied, “Yes”. He said (and I’m paraphrasing because I refuse to get up to look at texts) to excuse his French, but that it didn’t seem like I “gave a fuck” and that he didn’t want to give any energy to the situation because I wasn’t interested in him. Just typing that almost gave me an aneurysm.
My first instinct was to accept his reason because I know that I can’t control the way someone feels and I did for a while, but then my curiosity got the best of me, so I called him for further explanation.
Let me take a quick break from the case study to vent. First of all, why is it when people are about to curse, they say “excuse my French?” And he was texting, so it was equally unnecessary. I decided to call this dude and have a conversation strictly for information purposes because it annoyed the CRAP out of me that he seriously just decided never to call me back without any explanation AND had I not texted him to ask, he would have never cared enough to let me know. Ugh! The last time we saw each other, I drove from Granada Hills to Newport Freaking Beach to see him. How in the name of all that is holy would he think that I would drive that freaking far to see someone that I wasn’t interested in?!!!!!! REALLY???!!!!!!!!! AND unlike him, I have a $50 surcharge that I must pay in the form of a babysitter fee in order to leave my house, so I would not pay the freaking surcharge if I wasn’t interested in YOU! GRRRR!!!! #EndVent
Let’s get back to the case study. This is where I will prove unequivocally that men desire crazy women. Remember, this conversation was just for informational purposes, so I didn’t go in on Joe like I wanted to and I’m sure that he wanted me to because he secretly desires a crazy chick, but I’ll let you know what I wanted to say, but didn’t say out loud because I refused to give him the “energy”, since we’re withholding energy. Smh! For the purposes of the case study, I will skip over the obligatory niceties, like how this dude had the audacity to ask me “What I’ve been up to?” I said, “Nothing much. What about you?”, but I wanted to say, “Huh? You don’t give two donkey shits what I’ve been up to or you would have called me!!!” I’ll also skip over the sugar coating that he did to make his main points. At the end of the day, I had to keep in mind that he’s not a bad guy. He just wanted me to be a lunatic and I didn’t fulfill that fantasy for him.
The three main examples that he used to illustrate to me that I wasn’t interested in him were the following:
1) At one point, he eluded to the fact that he was dating other people and I didn’t seem concerned.
I asked Joe, “What reaction did he want me to have?” He said he didn’t know, but that all I did was brush it off and that wasn’t the response he expected.
So, here’s the deal. I assume that any man I meet is probably dealing with some other woman. I am very clear about asking “Do you have a girlfriend and are you married?” I asked Joe those questions. He said “no”. Beyond that, there is no way that I’m silly enough to think that he’s not dealing with some other woman, but he’s clearly not that serious about her or he wouldn’t be calling me. I figured (and I did tell him this) that when he was ready to be exclusive one of us would be phased out and truth be told one of us was phased out. It just happened to be me, the UNCRAZY one! When Joe eluded to the fact that he was seeing someone else, he wanted me to act crazy and be “concerned” after knowing him for less than two months. I’m pretty sure we’d still be dating today if I would have cussed him out and told him to lose the other chick or he couldn’t talk to me. I think that if I would have spit in his face or starting crying, I’d be gearing up for a June wedding.
2) He rescheduled a Friday night date to a Sunday night date and I didn’t seem concerned.
This is the same situation as eluding to dating other people. I’m not an idiot. I completely understood when he pushed me to Sunday that I was going to the less desirable date spot. This was our second time going out, so I pretty much figured that since he changed from Friday to Sunday that he was most likely going out with his hook up chick on Friday night and saving me for Sunday because I was less of a sure thing.
During our conversation, Joe admitted that we had fun on Sunday, but that while we were together his mind was on what had happened Friday night and that I should have fought harder for the Friday night time slot. He suggested that I adamantly demand that plans not be changed. Now, I’m paraphrasing most of this conversation, but he actually said, “That’s what she did.” He went on to say that he had already made plans with me, but that when she said that she wanted to go out Friday, he knew that he would “catch hell”, he actually said “catch hell” if he didn’t accommodate her.
Now, let’s get back to men secretly desiring crazy women. In what world does, “NO! I said Friday, so we have to do Friday” trump “Okay, let’s reschedule to meet your needs and I won’t have an attitude because of it”? I’ll tell you what world. It’s called “CRAZYVILLE” and it’s the hometown for the women that men love to call “the one”.
3) I didn’t have sex with him.
I’m not spending too much time on this one. I really did like him. I still do like the thought of him, not really the person after this conversation, but I’m not going to waste MY “energy” on someone who sees my kindness as detrimental and who I know secretly desires drama. Even if that someone has an amazing smile, a great education and abs that make my lady parts dance, I just can’t do it.
I listened as he told me that he felt like he never connected with me and that I seemed prudish to him. I didn’t defend myself because there was no point, but I wanted to say, “Are you kidding me?! I saw you four times and you had probably been freshly screwed 3 out of the 4 times, so don’t come over here trying to make me the problem because I didn’t jump into the sack with you when you’re the guy, who didn’t call me back! You are not the last sexy, educated man on the earth and NEWSFLASH: I WON by NOT sleeping with you. I don’t see why you think that you should have been allowed anywhere near the castle when you were still rolling around in the gutter! Bye Joe” UGH!
Even though Joe, the Jerk rolls off of the tongue very easily, I don’t want to characterize Joe this way because at the end of the day, he’s absolutely not a jerk. He’s a pretty cool guy and I think he’s going to make some crazy dramatic, overly emotional chick very happy one day. This is a single case study, but I literally could go on and on (and I might) with examples of seemingly good men, who clearly want to be with cray crays and then want to turn around and blame all women. Nope. It’s you. You like crazies.
Here is the part of the conversation that literally forced me to write this mini-novel, I asked Joe how he and the girl were doing. He told me . . . wait for it . . . that they had gotten engaged, but he broke it off because she was too jealous and demanding, so now they are off and on. She put a tracking app on his phone and then broke it when she found out that he took it off. She also followed him to a work event in San Diego and got into it with one of his female co-workers. This dude isn’t a cashier at McDonald’s. He’s an executive! There are so many things wrong with this relationship that I can’t begin to come to any conclusion, but that men desire crazy. It also does not escape me that the woman who put a tracking device on her boyfriend’s phone got an engagement ring and I got . . . well, called prudish. Oh, and they are STILL off and on! Ha!
I can’t conclude this scientific case study without some honorable mentions that I’ve dated through the years. I’ve changed your names, but if you happen to recognize yourself in this list of honorable mentions, I’m not sorry. You need to take some time and re-evaluate your secret desires.
Bobby
Bobby was a 50/50, maybe a 40/60. Most guys are 50/50s. A 50/50 is a guy who is generally attractive. He doesn’t have looks that make you daydream about different positions while he’s talking, but he’s definitely a guy who you’d have no problem proudly introducing as your man.
I met Bobby to discuss a project with no intention of any sort of dating. He made me laugh and told me funny stories, so he quickly rose from 50/50 to a 60/40, then he kissed me and 60/40 skyrocketed to 65/35.
Here’s one of the stories he told me: He was dating this girl for about six weeks and he invited her on a weekend vacation. She said that she couldn’t go because she needed to work over the weekend to pay her rent.
I’m going to interrupt this story with a bit of logic. It is really suspect that an adult would need to work over a weekend to get their rent paid, it’s possible, but I’m leaving out aspects of the story, so in this instance, it just doesn’t make sense. The more logical conclusion is that little miss wanted Bobby to give her some money. Bobby told me that “men” probably didn’t date me because I had a small child and that I didn’t have to flexibility to spontaneously pick up and leave the country without notice. Guess what I can do Bobby? Pay my rent without begging from a dude I’ve only known for a month.
Okay, I digressed, so Bobby goes on the vacation without the chick and when he gets back, she comes over to give him some loving. She goes into the bathroom, rummages through Bobby’s stuff, then finds out that he took another woman on the trip with him. They argue. She screams and cries. Bobby goes on to get engaged to this woman. They break it off eventually, but I could read between the lines enough to know that they were still hooking up occasionally.
Let’s examine: Bobby got engaged to a woman who asked him for rent money after only dating him a month and a half, searches through his things and then acts surprised to learn that she is crazy and jealous. No, Bobby. It’s not a surprise. You like crazy!
Bobby went on to set up dates with me on three different occasions and flake on each and every one. I guess I didn’t bring the crazy hard enough.
As I sit here trying to select the other honorable mentions, I’m realizing that men actually do specifically ridiculous things to elicit crazy reactions from women and maybe I’m single because I don’t really have it in me anymore to be a raving lunatic.
Other Honorable Mentions
Dr. Dave – Doctor Dave was the first person I dated after I had my son. I thought I hit the jackpot. A doctor! Whoop! Whoop! Well, one night Dr. Dave and I made plans. In his defense, I was late, but I did tell him that if he wanted to reschedule, it would be okay with me. He chose to hang out. In my defense, I was getting my hair, nails and feet done, so I could be pretty for Dr. Dave. After dinner, we’re supposed to go see a midnight show, but instead we end up back at his place. We start kissing. It’s about to go down. His phone rings. He looks at it and sends a text. Then, he says that his friend’s car broke down and that he has to go help. Really Dr. Dave?! We were kissing!!!! So, I leave, even though I can’t quite shake the feeling that this doesn’t make sense. Dr. Dave texts me all night long and calls me all week. Originally, I thought it was because he wanted to talk, but now I know it’s because he wanted me to unleash the cray. I finally text Dr. Dave and tell him that I think we need to talk. When we do, I ask him to tell me what he did after I left him that night. He answers the question with a question and gets to stuttering and straight lying to my face. After about 20 minutes of lying, he admits that he called someone else when I told him I would be late and that his plan was to leave me after dinner and hang out with her, but he didn’t think we’d end up back at his place. At the time, I thought “how could a doctor be so dumb?” Now, I realize that he wasn’t dumb at all, he was just satisfying his primal urge to try to make me act like a crazy lunatic. He failed. I’ve never spoken to him again.
Edward Esquire – I really liked Eddie. He was smart and funny. He was a tad more cloud-shaped than I preferred, but I completely overlooked that because he was so dang witty. We went on lunch dates mostly. I thought he was accommodating my busy schedule. NOT! Later, I found out that Eddie had a live-in girlfriend. When he told me why they still lived together, it was the first time I’d ever heard him mumble. At the time, I thought he was a straight liar who had no respect for me or my time (like Bobby), but now I realize he was just trying get me a starring role in the crazy day parade.
I’m torn now. I don’t know whether I should just go full out bat poop crazy with the next guy I date, who I’m really into or if I should stay reasonable. I know how to be controlling, emotional and demanding. I can slit someone’s tires when things don’t go my way or insist that a man be completely and unequivocally faithful to me and only me from the first minute we meet or risk me boiling his pet. It seems much easier than having real conversations, living in reality or being considerate and compassionate. On one hand, I think I should give the people what they want, but on the other hand, I’m not really about acting crazy anymore. When I was in my original 20s, I could demonstrate crazy with the best of them, but now that I’m in my new 20s, I don’t really have it in me. I want calm, considerate, honest fun with laughs and love and sweaty marathon sex, but no crazy. What’s a girl to do?
In conclusion, men like crazy chicks. My findings are conclusive and I see no solution to the epidemic.
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